So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
No stitches, just platelets and will power
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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