What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
