this just has baby written all over it
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
