It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
