i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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