my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
