all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
