Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
two words: eviction party
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
