Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
