areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
