I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
my vag is so smooth its legendary
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
