I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I met the friendliest cop last night
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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