The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
