I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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