There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
