I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
