You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize