I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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