Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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