awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think your dad took our porno
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
