dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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