you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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