So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
