I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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