Someone shit on the floor
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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