Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
