Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize