I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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