you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize