Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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