Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
