The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
