i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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