Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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