i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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