guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
