OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
