why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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