remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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