Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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