The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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