I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
