the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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