he told me I talked like a deaf person
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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