Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
