I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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