so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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