apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
