My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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