I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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