I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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