i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
