walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
