Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize