my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
