New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
