it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
