woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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