Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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