im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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