we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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