Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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